He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
