i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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