Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Actions speak louder than pants.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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