I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
