i need an iv and a liver transplant
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
