I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
