I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
