Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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