I will die if light touches me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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