I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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