You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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