thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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