They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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