I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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