Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
