There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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