I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
