Did you just see the Batmobile???
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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