Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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