Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
