when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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