I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
