Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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