K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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