He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
