No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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