how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
