shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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