I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
