so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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