youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
