we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
