I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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