dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
