My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
