no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
