I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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