Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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