I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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