dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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