I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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