fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Even the bartender felt bad for me
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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