ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
