Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
