Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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