sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
