he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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