Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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