i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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