i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
