five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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