Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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